Sunday, May 31, 2009

no.5

I am going to bite my lip,
and walk away
This is dangerous for me,
you don't even realise because you have your own life...
one perfect journey where I don't need to fit.
for I will just complicate what you know,
throw it upside down and let myself go.
and you could end up resenting me the further we grow,
let my self go- to something we don't need to rush
where the only thing ill ask for is trust.
slowness, and kindness and nothing else much
but my overall freedom, and consistency and that you remain my little crush.

But i don't think your cut out for it,
its not where you are at.
I'm not the silent type,
but i think i might tip toe out for now,
because i think your going to hurt me if i stay any longer..
the most rational, reasonable, kind I've met,
younger in age, and suffer no regrets
but i think i better leave now,
it just wont be fair on you, and it wont be fair on me
and i won't deserve it, too giving.
it was nice to meet you,
linger in my mind...walk away, I'll walk away too,
who knows...the best is yet to come...


i like right now.
on a highway of weirdness,
enjoying the ride.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

no.4

Probably one of the hottest kids on my street right now, and by street i mean turf, and by turf i mean city-
introducing: Byron Spencer.







his skin is golden, he's super adorable and hug worthy, o yeah and he's talented. der





www.champagnehangover.blogspot.com check him out - interviews, photos, its a celebration, like the song - 'celebrate good times c'mon, its a celebration.' - byron spencer

Friday, May 22, 2009

no.3

your a fucking weight
and you started when i was too young to know better
and ive tried so hard to let you go
pushed this memory to places the dark doesnt go
your my deepest wounding,
my earliest memory,
and ive done all this work to make myself better
yet it only gets worse as time gets farther
a decade plus more,
i dont think about it- and enjoy most days
but my anchor remembers
cause,
everytime i try my body doesnt feel
im an empty vessel with scars not healed
but i crave to enjoy it- most humans do
inside im an island, alone, free standing
i want but cant let your ship enter this baron land of mine...
he says he cant read me,
well i cant either...what turns my light off and on?
i cant enjoy whats rightfully mine
i have no answers
except to blame you,
the rule in life is that nobody should ever blame another
but i blame you...
because its your impure undoings,
i was only a child - naive- blinded with desire
i didnt deserve it, my minds in denial
i trusted you,
i know itll get better in the right time, place and space
youve made me stronger in remittance,
sad truth is that it wont change
till the scars heal more, the ghost walks away
and hopefully one day this vessel that im stuck in that should of been mine alone always
will be safe and ready to share
a new history of nurture, support and care

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

no.2




i met a man late march/early april, we knew each-other for forty-eight hours, it was a romance of sorts...no physical contact, but a deep and definitive understanding.
i met him at work, a chance-encoutner...i happened to be friendly, he happened to oblige.
i forgot what it felt like for someone to look at me through rose-coloured glasses until he spoke to me, and he forgot what it felt like to not worry.
i have no idea if i will ever see him again, either way it's ok - we both learnt something from each-other.
i wrote him these lyrics the night before we met for our goodbye breakfast.
thought i'd share:


whiplash happens fast,
im no longer standing up
threw me out of whack and i realise it was cold.
when i stand still i forget my focus,
i lose my grip, my hold,

and something happens quickly and its no longer about control
cause as i walk eachday,its a path thats yet untold.
a suprise in the present
instincfully i trust you and i know this lesson has more to it to mould

im not sure what ive learnt yet
it will come to me,
i understand some moments are better left open-ended
and constraints of time wont bind there tick tock , but that this can all just be...

for a reason i want to thank you, i reason i dont know
i sort of feel like i know you, i have no idea of why,
but from a unusual hidden place, a vulnerable screeching space
a hidden burrow, sometimes unlocked a special thankyou a deep honest sigh
a reasoned twinkle, i cant deny.

and something happens quickly and its no longer about control
cause as i walk eachday,its a path thats yet untold.
a suprise in the present
instincfully i trust you and i know this lesson has more to it to mould

this may sound sensless, confused and amok
but inside i know theres meaning in this,
so i can just trust.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

no.1

Ok, just watching crap reality TV on MTV downstairs in my house and thought about how i haven't written in a while.
People, love to talk about how blogging is narcissistic, they love to say things like 'why do you think what you have to say is important?'
I don't think anything I have to say is any more important than anyone else, I just happen to like writing my thoughts and occasionally sharing them...so that's why I have this...it is what it is.

I got in a funny situation a month or so ago. I happened to see a short film online, on youtube, and the caption below it read "original short made for 20dollars". I had found the link through a friends facebook. The short film was 6 minutes long. I watched the first three minutes...and thought, assumed, judged- this film was not "original,". Why? because I had something that looked & sounded incredibly familiar to this film on my show reel sitting at home. I didn't know who had made it but I commented on my friends facebook page that I thought this film was crap because it lacked originality etc etc, truth be told I was pissed off. ..

The director, writer, producer of the film happened to also know my friend on facebook, saw my comment and contacted me privately. He (using unnecessary swear words) assured me had not plagiarized and that I was being a stupid cow. Ironically, the director happened to know the man that I had bought the "original" script off, and told me that he'd contacted the man who explained he saw similarities but that these things are some time coincidences.

yadda, yadda, yadda....I apologised for my rude comments on my friends facebook, because I agree one should never assume. It remains true in my mind that the similarities were uncanny and the fact that we strangers both happened to know the man I thought originally wrote it remains an ironic coincidence . ...
anyway, moral of the story: if we put 'art' in any format out there, be prepared to be judged.

The director of the short film has a small fan base, and takes his films very seriously. My comments about his film lacking originality offended him greatly. What this man failed to understand was, with anything we put ourselves out do, comes criticism, the sooner we can learn to cop it, shrug it or take it on, the sooner stupid little comments don't matter as much.

On the reverse side, the most important thing is giving everything a go. I have to commend directors, writers, musicians, dancers, visual artists for having the guts to put themselves on a platform unto which society judges them. One of my jobs is to go through demos of musicians and pull out the ones who may have a 'future' in the music industry. It is scary how many demos sound un-done, ill-prepared and generally painful to listen to BUT it is commendable that people give things a real go. I can admit my largest character flaw (so to speak) is a fear of really putting myself out there to fall flat on my face. Perhaps, somewhere earlier in this life I failed at something, but really, it's never really a fail, its where you go from fail...and how.

So i'm going to start writing more, to get my frustration out, to get my sadness, joy, and love out, and its not for anyone else but me, because this is one of the many things I enjoy doing.

I recently spent sometime with my friends in Los Angeles and i found myself feeling tender in a 'awwww my friends are amazing' kinda way, for the first time in a long time. I have a friend named Tarquin, he is younger than me but his wisdom leaves me awe-struck. I was sitting on Tarquins bed watching a film, when I got into a slight argument-situation with the person on the other end of the phone. I was starting to get quite irritated ...the person on the other end of the phone was a friend from Sydney (home) who was letting me down. Tarquin sat still, looked at me, smiled, his eyes curled up a bit and with a loving nod he said "Katrina, none of this matters, it doesn't matter." Tarquin, was right. I hung up the phone and I just let it go...and let all the bullshit go with it, for the first time in a long time. It is the friends that can stand still, sit still , listen, observe and just simply be there and understand, that are the ones that really make me understand what friendship is about. We can have a million friends, but it is so rare to meet someone who can know you, the most inner honest version of you , the you with all your scars, all your ugly and all your beauty and be able to hold the WHOLE you that matter. I am so grateful for my friends that i know are there and that i will always be there for.

Finally, I want to talk about love...my blogs are a stream of consciousness for me. I don't know what I am going to say when I write them. they just kinda happen and now I wanna talk about LOVE for a minute.

I have this 'mail' document on my laptop that for some reason is synced with my email from a year ago, to the date. and a year ago I was in love. its a love I never really understood, that blossomed into a friendship i am still learning from and grateful for. But, when I look at these emails that I wrote a year ago I begin to miss love. I cant believe (now that wounds have healed and I'm back to being myself again) just HOW much your willing to give another when you are in love. When I read the things I used to write him, I wonder if ill ever expose that particular side of me again. No relationship should ever emulate another relationship, everyone brings out a different side of our personalities. I kinda think, the side I gave this person in the past was that of someone vulnerable and too willing to change, because if theres one thing I learnt its that we cant change for others, we can only change for ourselves. I am so lucky I have experienced what all that feels like, and I am equally as lucky that I wasn't given what i wanted or I wouldn't have learnt what i now know. If something is meant to happen it'll happen and we shouldn't go trying to control the outcome, we should just let it be, (like my friend Tarquin said to me in one way or another in Los Angeles.) I am finally learning to tell my mind when to shut the fuck up, and its a healthy thing ;)

So, back to love. Love is a whole lot of fun and I might not show that part of me again to anyone else, because that part of me belongs to that relationship, as much as another great part of me will belong to another...and that's all I have to say for now. I know it was a serious post, and i'm usually funnier when I rant, but this is a part of me I have to acknowledge right now. DEEP BABY, SO DEEP :) hahahahahha

xoxo Katrina

also my amazing good friend cara just launched her first collection of her line 'warflower.' the official opening is next week in sydney, flyer is below. the headpieces and necklaces are fucking amazing and im so proud of her. she is one of the most talented people i know..she also directs, animates...o and has photography published in places like rolling stone. yeh i know right. - her blog is on the side under 'kicia'.