Tuesday, May 6, 2008

the JAP CULT language.

THE GREEN MACHINE JAP MICHELLE
 THE FOMO QUEEN JAP LARA



So...I'm not sure if i've ever told anyone this before but im a JAP. gasp. shit...for all those who don't know what this means...(cute i said to all those, like i beleive people who don't know me are reading this hahah) JAP stands for
JEWISH AUSTRALIAN PRINCESS or alternatively JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS
it really depends which part of the hemmisphere one dwells in. I'm a true blue Australian who moonlights with a residency in America so im like the AA - JAAP. anyway. 
in my Jap cult, there are TWO phrases we use. If I start talking to you socially, whether in a bar, park, lounge, loft, crib, underground and I use these words and you look at me like you don't know what the fuck im talking about, I know your not part of the extensive jap bondibeach esque cult I belong to. I know I sound like a douchebag, claiming that I am part of the jap bondibeach esque cult, but fuckit...commnity is really imprtant to me, I love knowing the grocer, the cigarette seller, the baristar, ...
so my two terms of the day that are part of JAP langauage.
1. GREEN - the word Green can be used in a few ways...and it is used more than not used by my JAP community. Orginating from the days of being a young teen when we all used to get stoned in a random park waiting for somone to green it. Back then. greening it was when we would screw with one of our friends livelehoods and wait for them to get really stoned and then tell them shit like 'omg your face looks green'...they would either get paranoid, which would lead to greening it OR alternatively someone would of spewed, which also meant they had 'greened it.' The main rule back then was 'weed then beer your in the clear, beer then weed your in the green.' So, if any of my friends were stupid enough to binge drink before sucking up that gange, then green they would turn. These days, I dont smoke weed, but nevertheless the term 'green' still takes centre-stage in my life. Green is a versatile colour, it comes in a variant of shades, nay tinges.  For example, someone could be a khaki green, a deep emerald green, or at the worst there green could turn neon. My friend Michelle is a huge greener. Michelle is the cutest, loveliest oldest friend I have. She is fucking amazing, but michelle has a penchant of turning green. Michelle is a huge greener when it comes to men. ..and this is when 'greening it' comes interesting. Like, say a guy doesnt know you that well, and they ask you on a date, and then at the date there really uncomfortable, which makes you really uncomfortable...then next thing you know your whole date has turned dark green. Personally, im not a greener by nature but I have had my fair encounters of being green. I can think of two examples. The first example was when I went on a date with this guy from out of town, Melbourne. He was incredibly good-looking, and putting on my date-face I was ready to have some fun. Well, next thing you know, the guy decides to take me to my ex-boyfriends resturaunt (he didn't know this at the time) and attempt to order a cheese platter for us to share. WELL, the resturaunt is a seafood one, and they dont do cheeseplatters. Next thing I know, date-man has ordered me fucking scallops, and hot chocolate. WHAT THE FUCK! who orders a milk-orientated drink at the same time as attempting to share a plate of scallops. it was cute, it was sweet. It was very GREEN. ...needless to say I GREENED IT. because people, greening it means 'i feel uncomfortable, i feel embarassed for you, i feel like this is pretty hysterical.' ...seeing as im amazing on dates, I jazzed things up a bit and decided (as the guy on the date with me was a photographer) to buy him a disposable camera, and run around with him taking crazy photos...which later got developed and turned into a giant scrapbook. .. (G-d im amazing with presents) . So the Green turned rosy, and it all turned out alright.
The other Green moment I had was when I was living in NYC. A friend of mine invited me to watch them DJ. Well, I was a foreigner, a fish out of water, I was a fucking Green machine. Next thing I know, im sitting in this ferocious, loud, pit of a club watching my DJ friend play, and while everyone is dancing im just thinking 'what the hell am i doing here, shit I can't breathe.' It was pretty funny, but there was nobody for me to laugh about it with. I was this almighty luminous green. So, what did I do? I turned to my friend the xanax bottle, and chewed away for two hours, whilst staring at the floor, ocassionaly looking up to stare at my friend the DJ's ass. That night, my friends I inhibited all characteristics of a greener. 

Next word. 
FOMO!
I dont suffer from FOMO but a shit load of my friends do. Lara, is one of my best friends, she is in a solid long-term relationship, shes drop-dead beautiful, has a shit load friends, a few good jobs, and no real obvious reasons for her FOMO. The only thing I can say about lara is that her voice is way to loud, and has a microhpone like imbuilt inside of it and its annoying, but she knows that. FOMO is FEAR OF MISSING OUT. Lara is afraid. Lara is very afraid of missing out. Infact Lara is so afraid of missing out, she makes it her business to know where everyone is, at everymoment, when anyone leaves - she'll know about it, and she CANNOT MISS OUT on anything. I find it funny, because im the opposite. I couldnt care less, infact I get told off by Lara for saying 'i dont care' to much. whatever. I could literally be sitting in one of my friends kitchens with 4 other friends, and lara will call each of us invidiually in a row. If for some reason, nobody answers, lara will call the house phone. out of control. lara, I love you. your amazing. anyway, FOMO....when something is going on and you think you might miss out...G-d knows on what...FOMO is what its called.

so...JAP LESSON #1 REVISION
1. GREEN - to green it
2. FOMO

the end
xoxoxoxo


No comments: