Wednesday, December 5, 2007

keys- if I lock something I cant let it be unlocked again!

ummmmmmmmmm, yes. I am emotionally drained, but instead of feeling drained and being human about it all, i'm deciding to try my hardest to block it. I'm in a shitty situation right now, and I know theres a lot wrong with it, but at the same time I know theres a lot right with it too.

I'm sure everyone has had situations like this- living situations, study situations, work situations, friendship situations, love situations.

I know im drained, I dont want to admit it, I dont want to admit defeat. I can honestly say, I don't get angry ever, I get angry for maybe one minute and then I laugh. I wish I could feel anger, but instead a have a tendency to blame myself, or become incredibly empathetic to the other person in the situation. School books, teachers and my mum always taught me 'put yourself in the other persons shoes' or 'do unto others as you would do unto yourselves'. I've always tried my hardest to live under these rules, but what if the shoe doesnt fit and so you cant put yourself in the other persons shoes? what if you dont know what you'd do unto yourself in the same situation? and how about NOT everyone whats to be treated the way I treat myself anyway, or they'd all be headed to therapy a lot more, and spend too much money on crap?

So i'm drained. I know this because I seem to think I have chronic fatigue (i might), I'm sleeping like 13 hours a day atleast and then napping afterwards. Definately not as hungry as i've once been and basically just kinda 'blaaaaaa'. My friend Michelle E told me tonight that 'i dont seem to let myself go enough at the moment'. Thing is, I keep telling myself i'm happier than i've ever been. But am I? I mean, maybe i'm not as happy as I wish I were but i am trying to control it, control everything and just remain positive.

I pray everynight that I continue to appreciate everything I have, friends, family, love but the thing is, I need to be more proactive with things but at the same time I don't want to be. I mean I quit a part-time job last week (it was a 2day job/oneoff/goodpay) after an hour, because I just couldn't be there, I was like 'no', and I went home and slept.

I think its really interesting the things we do to stop ourselves from thinking sometimes. I mean firstly theres drinking, thats a big one. People drink to just relax because secretly people cant stand to be in there own skin sometimes. The other thing people do is help others, I think when we help others It takes the focus off of ourselves (I recommend this one) . People take drugs, both prescrptions medicine (my personal vice) or just the regular kinda- cocaine, e, k, whatever. I've dabble and I dont anymore . I stopped drinking, I dont take drugs, and I'd love to see i've completely stopped the prescriptions but that would be a lie. -All this stopping is simply in an attempt to make myself feel a little fucking better in my own skin and mind. I feel happier about my apperance than i've ever been, bascially cause I just refuse to compare myself to others anymore. I'm not Angelina, but im not fugly either- i'm me. But I still struggle with my mind, how it lets itself take me to these places, of getting upset and needing to escape. So Ive discovered my new way of escaping, 'sleep.' When your asleep you dont have to deal with anything, your not there, and sometimes its like if you never woke up, well who cares. I mean that in a strangely unsuicidal way, its just a fact, sleep means things dont matter.

I feel everything, literally, inside, I feel everything. When someone tells me something I dont want to hear, my head gets hot, if I dont want to be somewhere I vomit. I often cry, laugh, jump, skip. I mean I feel and express fucckinggggg everything, I cant lie for shit.

I cant pretend im not grateful for having my friends and family, cause I am. I just want more, doesnt everyone? I want sometimes to not feel as much as I do, but then I wouldnt be me, so I hate that I feel but, I love that I do....the ultimate aaaaaaaaaa!

So the situation thats distressing me? I have NO idea what to do about it, because i've tried so hard, but its still there...does this mean Im just meant to hold onto it and wait...then what??

Yes, this entry is slightly depressing, but its fucking true. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes we can no longer grin and bear it.




soph6987 said...

trinx. seriously. fuck. your writing is beyond amazing, and I can relate to more than 50% o it, expecially after tonight. but self indulgent, I mean, I love you, but I think you love you mroe We c't alway be so unhappy and confused. Just look at the world we are living in and be happy to be in it. As much shit is thrown our way, we are still able to be in it and reiceve the shit. Imagine if we weren't. imagine being on of those ghoslty things above the world watching the shit being thrown around and wishing you were recieving it and not feeling anything. I feel. You feel. and its wonderfull..

sorry, just flowng off some really bad shit that has been thrown my way recently that has really put me in perspecitve.
maybe that's all anybody needs. A bit of perspective. It really puts you in your place, eh??

too much drunken rambling. I'll read this in the morning and cringe. "green it". hey??

love you. and your mind. and your words. xx.

Emilie said...

: (

this is sad. i know what you mean about the sleep
thing. easiest way to make everything. just. stop.

its fine wallow for a bit. every great artist does. comes with the teritory. ha


pia said...

okay. you told me to comment if I read this. So here I am..

Your writing really is v.good! I absolutely relate and yeh it's depressing, but it's there. So why not express it.

Anyway, just thought I'd add my two cents.