Monday, December 24, 2007


SOOOOOOOOO Happy im Giddy at the moment. Had the best week ever. RANDOM. woke up last sunday morning and felt like shit, soar throat, tired sinus, i gargled on salty water- and BOOM just like that- i felt amazing by the time I went to bed that night (but i had to cancel work cause i knew i'd get to feeling worse if I didn't).
The night before I went to my friend Ginas House who had a pre-xmas-chunnukah-party. I think the theme was ghetto, and so I had a lotta fun dressing up. I bought 3 new pink lipsticks last week (HOW GIRLY CAN I SOUND RIGHT NOW!?!?!) and so I put my hottest pink on, and just got excitedddddd, when I got there, everyone had put in a well-fit effort and so I'm posting some photos (all posed obviously) below....
I went to DAFT PUNK two days ago, and I still want to cry with happiness. A friend who has seen them play before told me they they'd change my life, literally, he was right. I was on someones shoulder when they played around the world, and I thought 'fuk im human , and its cool, and life is cool and I could die happily right now)...ehehhe
ssoooooo when i get some shots from that Ill post them.
Also, im going to byron bay in two days for some time out by the beach and then im off to LA and NY in feb with CARA and some other people along the way and I cant fucking wait...yay! Had the best day today- slept in after work, then went shopping with my friend and looked at amazing books, then we went to kings cross and got massaged at massage king, which was FUKING amazing, i felt stoned by the time I left. SO GOOD. its xmas eve, so merry xmas everyone, I dont celebrate, but i think its RAD and I welcome any presents etc, hehe,
p.s. MAX GAMMELL YOU FUKING ROCK, ( max has a blog and ill let you know the exact url asap)
AND NOW SOME PHOTOS from GINAS (oh and Pauls)




ASH LE ROUGE (dj wonderkid) hehe

JARROD AND GINA (host number dos)


Saturday, December 15, 2007

Take a photo it will last longer

I went for lunch yesterday, I got amazing japanese at Raw Bar in Bondi Beach. My friend Jarrod was with me, (he just returned from london, where he resides) and he was wearing white socks under rolled-up jeans and some patent black leather loafers. Anyway, this man next to us, was staring at him, in a really really rude if to say 'what are you wearing?' It annoyed me, so I really loudly offered him a photo opportunity, it was kinda uncharacteristic of me to do that, and be a little rude to a totaly stranger but whatever, seriously, stop staring at things that are different- its just plain offensive.

I kinda love how humans can be so awful, but then can be so kind. Ummmm, it reminds me of movies like Crash, fuck Crash was such an amazing see the complete split all humans have.It is said that all humans are capable of murder, of surivial, and of love... do you think this is true?? If it is true, the film crash is probablly the best way to understand this. I was driving with my friend JJ the other day on a huge freeway when we realised the four lanes were being merged into one lane due to road-work. I was in an amazing mood as I'd just had a bath, and so I was just kind really happy to just be me in my car and in a very chilled mood. When all these cars had to merge I noticed how curteoues, kind and non-agressive everycar was being to one-another. It made me really happy. It is so easy to just get angry when you get cut off whilst driving, to go nuts about finding a car park, but in the end, when it comes down to it, humans have the ability to work together, and I love it, it makes me sooooo happy. I love that when cars have to suddenly merge and deal, they can. I love that in times of need, humans will be there, and have been- eg september 11 aftermath, tsunami aftermath. Yes, it is shitty that it takes something tough and brutally raw for humans to wake-up and lend a hand, but atleast it happens at all. It's crazy how the smallest things, such as smiling at someone (a stranger) could make there day that much more bearable. I think Daft Punk got it right with the title of there song'human after all.' HELL YES!
sigh. Its a new week, its summer, its nearly xmas, the last week has been crazy eventful, I need to just de-brief in my head and then Ill write a proper post.
For now,

one week and daftpunk.
im excited, I feel really sick today though.

Friday, December 7, 2007


i think im gonna make the following a song or something. i'm not sure. i wrote it the other night, but i dont rememeber writing it, i found it two days later, and i think it was written just before i went to sleep.


This might be the wrong thing to say,
Im not sure.
But I am really scared that your like a drug to me and that this is not healthy anymore.
Its not like your a bad drug, your not causing any physical effects.
Your not ruining me,
Your not making my eyes twitch, my jaw grind, my hands sweat,
But I cant say your not making my heart go fast, and I cant say my thoughts aren’t obsessive.
So maybe your like a drug.
They say that love is the drug, but what if that isn’t as good as it sounds.
Surely anything that is addictive isn’t too healthy.
We are meant to have basic human needs and one of them is love.
But what if that love is unrequited?
What do I do?
What am I meant to say?
I cant skip the hurt, I cant make the pain go away
And youve taught me not to escape. But to hold the fear and deal,
But what if your not my anchor and none of this is real?
I cant believe how much you mean to me and yet your far away
I cant believe its each and everysingle day I pray
I believe in you, that much is true.
I believe in myself, but what if im wrong?
I don’t think you wanna see me, so im pushing for something that doesn’t exist
Im a fucking idiot., sometimes, and it clear you don’t think that this shoe fits.
So why did I let myself go down this road if all along it was never going to be
Am I the biggest fool on earth, that I believed it could work
Not to be forever, but if only for a day
But its me thats pushing and your not there
Its me thats wanting and your to scared
Its me thats free and you thats bound
And Im hurting yet still don’t want out
I just think I need to see you so I can decide on my own, whats good for me, whats stupid
What if i never get another hit, would the drug make me sick?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

keys- if I lock something I cant let it be unlocked again!

ummmmmmmmmm, yes. I am emotionally drained, but instead of feeling drained and being human about it all, i'm deciding to try my hardest to block it. I'm in a shitty situation right now, and I know theres a lot wrong with it, but at the same time I know theres a lot right with it too.

I'm sure everyone has had situations like this- living situations, study situations, work situations, friendship situations, love situations.

I know im drained, I dont want to admit it, I dont want to admit defeat. I can honestly say, I don't get angry ever, I get angry for maybe one minute and then I laugh. I wish I could feel anger, but instead a have a tendency to blame myself, or become incredibly empathetic to the other person in the situation. School books, teachers and my mum always taught me 'put yourself in the other persons shoes' or 'do unto others as you would do unto yourselves'. I've always tried my hardest to live under these rules, but what if the shoe doesnt fit and so you cant put yourself in the other persons shoes? what if you dont know what you'd do unto yourself in the same situation? and how about NOT everyone whats to be treated the way I treat myself anyway, or they'd all be headed to therapy a lot more, and spend too much money on crap?

So i'm drained. I know this because I seem to think I have chronic fatigue (i might), I'm sleeping like 13 hours a day atleast and then napping afterwards. Definately not as hungry as i've once been and basically just kinda 'blaaaaaa'. My friend Michelle E told me tonight that 'i dont seem to let myself go enough at the moment'. Thing is, I keep telling myself i'm happier than i've ever been. But am I? I mean, maybe i'm not as happy as I wish I were but i am trying to control it, control everything and just remain positive.

I pray everynight that I continue to appreciate everything I have, friends, family, love but the thing is, I need to be more proactive with things but at the same time I don't want to be. I mean I quit a part-time job last week (it was a 2day job/oneoff/goodpay) after an hour, because I just couldn't be there, I was like 'no', and I went home and slept.

I think its really interesting the things we do to stop ourselves from thinking sometimes. I mean firstly theres drinking, thats a big one. People drink to just relax because secretly people cant stand to be in there own skin sometimes. The other thing people do is help others, I think when we help others It takes the focus off of ourselves (I recommend this one) . People take drugs, both prescrptions medicine (my personal vice) or just the regular kinda- cocaine, e, k, whatever. I've dabble and I dont anymore . I stopped drinking, I dont take drugs, and I'd love to see i've completely stopped the prescriptions but that would be a lie. -All this stopping is simply in an attempt to make myself feel a little fucking better in my own skin and mind. I feel happier about my apperance than i've ever been, bascially cause I just refuse to compare myself to others anymore. I'm not Angelina, but im not fugly either- i'm me. But I still struggle with my mind, how it lets itself take me to these places, of getting upset and needing to escape. So Ive discovered my new way of escaping, 'sleep.' When your asleep you dont have to deal with anything, your not there, and sometimes its like if you never woke up, well who cares. I mean that in a strangely unsuicidal way, its just a fact, sleep means things dont matter.

I feel everything, literally, inside, I feel everything. When someone tells me something I dont want to hear, my head gets hot, if I dont want to be somewhere I vomit. I often cry, laugh, jump, skip. I mean I feel and express fucckinggggg everything, I cant lie for shit.

I cant pretend im not grateful for having my friends and family, cause I am. I just want more, doesnt everyone? I want sometimes to not feel as much as I do, but then I wouldnt be me, so I hate that I feel but, I love that I do....the ultimate aaaaaaaaaa!

So the situation thats distressing me? I have NO idea what to do about it, because i've tried so hard, but its still there...does this mean Im just meant to hold onto it and wait...then what??

Yes, this entry is slightly depressing, but its fucking true. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes we can no longer grin and bear it.



Saturday, December 1, 2007


What matters:

“I mattered to him, he mattered to me,” a line often used enough to be considered a typical line upon discussing ones love for another, or perhaps lack there of. If one is to really consider the word ‘matter,’ what does it really mean?

What makes one person matter to another? Is matter merely, to trust another, to care for another or is matter really about feeling significant to another human being as if you are matter, natural bursting energy of matter?

If in scientific terms, matter is energy… then couldn’t matter simply be considered the energy in which the world goes round. For example, the sea is energy to the sand, as rain is energy to the rainforest. Therefore, sea and sand ‘matter’ to each other, as rain and rainforests ‘matter’ to each other.

Similarly when another human being matters to us, is it about the truer most fundamental meaning? They (the one in our heart) are our matter, our energy, our substance unto which we thrive. If we can understand that all we have on earth that is true is ‘energy,’ then perhaps when we decide that someone matters to us, what we really are doing is connecting to the earth, life and the people we were ‘meant’ to be walking beside, our matter, our reasons, our source, our path, our life.

This is a photo of her hotel in the SohoGrand NY....she let me stay with her there, and we got dressed up one tutu dresses and went for an amazing dinner. Our Friendship matters!