Saturday, November 17, 2007

looking closer

Ummmm, I've been writting for ages. I've always written as a form of self-expression, whether im writting a poem, lyrics, or a song on the piano. It's always been a struggle for me to contain and 'hold' my emotions without haywire in the process, and writting has been an amazing vent for me.
I was talking to my friend Anina today over lunch on Crown St about this and she suggested it would be brave to maybe go through what i've written and post some of these things. I'm not sure how far and how deep I will be able to get through doing this but I figured I might post the intro to my diary up here for starters. After that who knows? It is quite cathartic and self-obsessed really, but i'll just see how that goes.
The following was all written when i was 17. and had fallen for a boy named Sam (names have been changed). We were with eachother soon after (take that in any context you might), and I just thought he was IT. heehhe...I did. He had such power of me. I had just finished school and been to Thailand for a month and was feeling 'freedom' and he just epitomised every aspect of that.

At 17.
It begins. When I breathe I feel tight and constrained , I don’t know if I am sick or its purely a lifestyle thing. The mind it is so fragile in all its imperfections, you’ve read all this shit before and somehow I want to make it different, somehow so everyone who reads this bwill learn something new and gather a sense of hope, but screw it . This is truth whatever that may be, very ironic term. See, what I write, what I perceive as something and when you start to imagine it as ‘truth’ you are making it fake because everything can only really be true to the teller of the tale. My house is largish, it red and green and when I was little we had a white picket-fence around it. When I think of being younger and seeing that white picket-fence I get upset and tears emerge from cadences below the exterior. I haven’t had a bad life at all, that’s what makes this make perfect sense, you don’t have to have been through the text-book listings to define what makes something wrong in your life, I have always had the feeling that wrong is merely intrinsic.
You wake up, everything in theory should be this grand photograph of what defines okay but you cant help that it’s not. I think its bullshit that people are selfish I think that they are just not happy.
My story is going to be based upon the way I perceive things. Things that I feel have the right to very much make me feel less comfortable in a sober state than others. Situations, places and the way things happen in a uncontrollable chaos. The privileged youth are not priveledged, they are fucked.

Entry #1
The lungs don’t feel much better and I don’t feel that much better but at the same time I was honest and I am confused. What is with people being fucked? To be a teenager or labeled as one makes you feel all sorts of things, you want to be accepted and there is this whole rule book of what mere acceptance is accountable for but everyone has to tread that line of acceptance and teen-angst to truly find themselves and test the parameters of selfworth. Who am I? I am meek and strong. I am given everything and feel nothing at the same time. Money is bullshit. Happiness is what we are all on this search for and that is my opinion bottom line. People are given cars and they are happy they can be ‘something.’ Drive around in your fucking old-school mobile and feel dthe wind sweep your hair as you light up another jay watch the world go by. You pathetic person, you are so good for me why cant you see. Drive your v-w, pouting your pretty pretty lips as that boy submissively stares at you in a way that only ‘we’ understand.

I feel things and I cant express myself. I’ve met you twice in my life and yet I feel that you and only you for now can understand me and that makes you horrible for not wanting me. You have done absoulutely nothing wrong and yet you stand there in as much as perfection can be and make me feel as much as perfection can feel and I feel lost and horrible and everything and nothing all at once.


Watching the day go by and rolling on to neverland,
What will be will be rolling on to neverland
Wanting and needing on that path to neverland
You stare at me and I’m in neverland

That grin in your eyes and that inconsiderate laughter
Finding your soul is not my place to venture.
That want we all have and that frown in the mirror
Finding your sould it seems is not my place to venture.

What comes of these percepived mistakes.
What memory makes is cherished
I ,…am neverland in your arms am neverland in your eyes
You neverland a disguise
Wake me up from this
Wake me up from this

1 comment:

Emilie said...

brave lady very proud.

but i do believe i egged you on as much as anina!

a bestseller in my oppinion.